Fierce Intentions, Prince Albert and Mr. Penis
Hello to those of you who have great taste in Romance Books and anyone else reading my blog!
It’s another marvelous day in British Columbia! First, I had cake for breakfast. I don’t always have cake for breakfast, but when I do, I have a lot of cake.
Second, my car is getting serviced. I’m so pleased that there’s a spa for cars – mine is getting a flush job, a rear-end alignment, and a full body waxing. Mistress Three-Point (one for each nipple), who checked my baby in, said that they would also turn back time and make my boy an hour younger.
My car is getting old, but he’s still a good little ride. One day I’ll tell you about Christine, my husband’s car – she’s evil. I think that’s why my husband likes her (he says she reminds him of me).
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, cake for breakfast, servicing for the boy car and… and… I have a new book out!
Yep, you heard it here first or not, probably not, unless you just tripped over this blog or don’t follow my social media, which is too bad because there are giveaways and stuff and also people are hilarious (mostly me…okay…again not true, but other people are hilarious).
Fierce Intentions, the second installment in the Shifters of Darkness Falls series, is out! Yes! Shifters, wolves, and a romance between a hot muscled shifter and a sexy cop named Eva. It’s divine!
There are some really great things happening because of the release of Fierce Intentions like Basic Instinct (Shifters of Darkness Falls Book 1) is free through Sunday, October 27, but also other stuff – check it out here and here.
Or maybe it was planned that way, though I doubt it. You should also read it because I did and no one wants me to one-up them. I’m quite impossible when I have the upper hand. Also, the books are EPIC (my word of the week) – great world-building, awesome characters, suspenseful, romantic and a happy ending.
Let’s move on to Prince Albert, Saskatchewan (not really, no one has to move there if they don’t want), which by the way, just celebrated Waste Reduction Week. I got confused thinking they meant waist reduction week so I phoned them for advice. The only advice the dear old white-haired man (yes, I stalked him on Facebook) had for me was to stop eating cake for breakfast.
Having exhausted that line of discussion, we moved on to what Prince Albert is most famous for, which is piercings. The poor old man didn’t understand until I told him to google-image it.
He’s dead now.
I can’t get anyone else in Prince Albert to help me on my quest (they saw what killed him and now I’m officially on a do-not-engage list), so I had to turn to my friend, Master Google, who is extremely accommodating (gold star for me – I got the spelling right on first try).
Apparently, the real Prince Albert had one. Why did he have one? Well according to rumour (I’m not making this shit up, although I suspect somebody did), it was a so-called dressing ring used to pull the penis into tight-fitting fashions. Another rumour suggests he wore it to keep his foreskin retracted and fresh smelling so as not to offend the Queen. It must have worked – they had NINE children. NINE! Fuck me, and I don’t mean literally. Okay, I also mean literally, but not if you want babies.
Another rumour is that Italian Fascist dictator Benito Mussolini had a Prince Albert, which he used for stress reduction (eyes rolling here – not really, my eyes don’t roll – sorry if I freaked anyone out) and he cut holes in the pockets of his pants so he could grab the ring and tug on it when he was feeling anxious. I drink to relieve stress because I don’t have a penis to play with. Well, I kind of do, but it’s in my husband’s pants, so it’s not always convenient.
Why am I wasting all this good virtual paper on the PA Piercing and forcing myself to remember i comes before e (just like I comes before my husband or he’s in big trouble)? Thank you for asking. I’m fixated on PA Piercings because I read about one in a book and I didn’t know what it was, so I did what any sane person would do. I google-imaged it!!!
FUCK ME (see above for the literalness of this statement)!!!!
I showed my husband, who was a little offended that I was googling penises though he shouldn’t be. I have a tattooed biker for wallpaper on my monitor (who has a Prince Albert piercing under his jeans) (and also, he’s not wearing underwear) (and also he’s hung like Aztec). My husband never says a word about him, but apparently he draws the line at penises with piercings.
I mentioned my naivete in my FB Group, Jasmin’s Dark Side (you should totally join), and there was some discussion about it. Mostly everyone was surprised that they knew more than I did. I’m lying, no one was surprised. It’s well-known that I only know random things like a starfish’s leg will grow back should it get amputated. Everything else, I wing – like the whole i before e controversy. Then, and I’m not going to name names (it’s really hard for me to resist naming names), one of the Dark Siders said penises were ugly.
Not that I’m disagreeing, but also know that I lie regularly unless it’s about important things like what kind of toppings I want on pizza. Just heard from my husband. Apparently penises are important too. And he’s right, dammit!
Penis are wildly interesting, highly addictive and somewhat attractive. I’ve never wanted to have one (literally), but they look good on most men, although I haven’t seen all the penis of the men I know – husband gets cranky when I ask his friends to drop their pants. I particularly like the long, wide hard models that come (see what I did there?) with two balls.
Speaking of balls, my brother-in-law (let’s call him BiL) only has one ball although he started out in life with two, but had a golfing accident (it’s so easy to lose balls on the golf course), which forced all his sperm to live together in a single testicle. The sperms don’t like how crowded it is in there so BiL says he has to make space regularly.
Because BiL is one giant prick (not really, so says my husband, who apparently has seen him without underwear), I like to remind him of his lack of ball. BiL also didn’t know the difference between a dildo and a vibrator, so I explained it to him during a fun game of charades. He now knows, but won’t talk to me anymore. I told my husband it’s because he has no ball.
Time to wrap this up because I have some things to do like eat more cake (not really, I’m over my cake binge – now I want a hot dog) and pick up my naughty little car from the brothel… I mean spa. He’ll be obnoxiously relaxed so I’ll scare the crap out of him by running a few red lights.
Before I go, a quick note on what’s next. Robert Creed, the wrongly convicted killer in Hard Lessons (Running with the Devil Book 5), gets his own book on December 27, 2019. I’m so excited to write this one! After Fallen Angel (Running with the Devil Book 10), I’ll be working on Alpha’s Prey (Shifters of Darkness Falls Book 3) which I plan to publish February 28th, 2020.
Happy adventures to everyone and because it’s almost Halloween, don’t choke on a camel!
Hugs and Kisses,